Love is sweet. It is equally capable of bringing pain, agony, sorrow, and tears as a result of a relationship breakup. As we look for love, breakups are inevitable. Though we aren’t meant to be with everyone we date, it doesn’t make it any easier to say goodbye. Sometimes it’s impossible to overcome differences; compatibility isn’t there, or trust has been broken.
Some relationships are worth fighting for, while others will never become healthy enough to sustain. Getting over the immense pain of such a breakup can be very difficult and painful. When the choice is made to go separate ways, a process of grief takes place that ultimately ends in moving on.
Just as the popular trending slang goes “breakup na national cake,” this cannot be said to be far from the truth, as almost everyone has been a victim of a breakup at one point or another in their lives.
Getting over a breakup has never been an easy task for many people involved. It is even more difficult when the breakup happens unexpectedly.
1. Cry it out
Go ahead and cry those ugly tears. It’s ok to cry repeatedly, with everything you have, even in waves, if you have to do so. Let the pain out and go with it for now.
A relationship break-up is similar to grieving, and everyone grieves differently. However, if you are the type to hold your emotions in until you can’t take it anymore, this can have the opposite effect. If you are sad, allow yourself to feel sadness. If you feel happier or melancholy in moments, embrace these feelings too. It’s normal to be up and down after a break-up. But the sooner you can release and let go of those emotions, the quicker you can move on.
2. Don’t take it personally
It’s NOT your fault. I have watched friends torture themselves by thinking that if they looked different, were more laid back and spontaneous, didn’t work so much, etc., their relationship would have lasted. This simply isn’t true. A successful relationship does not define your worth.
3. Don’t keep tabs on your ex
You don’t need to know about what they are up to, so don’t fall into the trap of lurking on their social media or having mutual friends keep you updated. Knowing what they’re up to will not help you move on. “If you find yourself obsessively checking their [social media], it would benefit you to either unfriend, block, or hide them, as is an option on some apps,” Decker explains. Again, this is a time you may need to enlist the help of a friend who can take these steps for you if it’s too much to do them on your own.
4. Don’t engage in revenge posting
You know the posts—where you’re curating your social media to post things your ex will see (or hear about through mutual friends) to elicit jealousy, show them how great you’re doing, or just generally behave with them in mind. This causes you to prioritise them still and allows them to take up significant real estate in your mind. There’s nothing inherently wrong with these kinds of posts, but if you’ll be disappointed if your ex doesn’t watch your story or text you after a particularly great post on your feed, that’s a sign to proceed with caution.
5. Spend time doing something that is fun
If you have a bucket list of things you want to do in your life, this is an excellent time to start doing those things on your list. Try some indoor skydiving, and do a Meetup somewhere you have wanted to go if you don’t want to do it alone. Do that hike in the mountains you have been putting off, or take a drive to a small quaint town that you have wanted to check out. Distraction and a change of scenery are good things for the mind. Changing up your environment can help during the healing process.
6. Journal your break-up
As crazy as it sounds, writing your feelings on paper, on your notes app, or on your computer can be pretty cathartic. I wrote my first book, Love You and He Will Too: The Smart Woman’s Roadmap for Happy, Healthy Relationships, after a long-term relationship I had been in for ten years. I was devastated by how the relationship ended because I thought the guy was going to be my husband. I decided to write it out, and it not only helped me to heal, but it also helped me to share my experience with others so they could learn from me, and I could save them the discomfort of experiencing the same thing.
7. Spend time with your bestie
Break-ups are hard, but also a good time to reconnect with your closest friend or friends. Find your emotional support with someone in your circle who understands you, looks out for you and has your back. Knowing that your friends love you and are there for you emotionally can help you bounce back from your breakup.
8. Engage in self-love
Sometimes when you are in a relationship, especially a long-term one, you have spent a lot of time trying to make the other person happy, often neglecting someone significant, ‘you.’
You won’t be single forever, I promise you. Make the most out of your time being single. Do some things that help you feel better about yourself. Positive affirmations are great. Repeating daily positive mantras to yourself can have a significant impact on your mental well-being.
9. Do a quick recap of your relationship
Notice that I added the word, ‘quick.’ Think about your relationship in its entirety. What was good about the relationship? What didn’t work? What valuable lessons did you learn that have made you better?
Looking at everything will help you put things in perspective. Each relationship happens for a reason. And every person you love, regardless of whether it works out or not, enables you to learn something new about yourself. Don’t be afraid to embrace the good, bad, and ugly. Sometimes a relationship that didn’t work or that wasn’t the best for you prepares you for one that will work for you.
10. Consider finding a therapist if you don’t already have one
“Having an unbiased, neutral, third-party observer is instrumental in gaining a deeper understanding in what happened, what your role was, and how you can learn and grow from it as you pursue future relationships,” says Dr Liner. This is extra important if your breakup has heavily impacted your mental health. “I place extra emphasis on this advice for anyone who is experiencing a significant decline in functioning: not eating or sleeping, missing or struggling at work, major changes in mood or personality, or having intrusive or suicidal thoughts,” Dr Liner says.
11. Do your best to be patient (though it’s hard)
How long does it take to get over a breakup? There’s no one answer, so try to be patient. Yes, it’s so much easier said than done. But Dr. Liner stresses that the pain won’t go away overnight and recovery is a process. “There will be days you feel better and days you feel worse,” she says. “Your thoughts and emotions may jump around in the stages of grief for a while,” adds Alli Spotts-De Lazzer, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Studio City, California. Some days you may feel better than others, and it’s okay to honour wherever you are in your journey.
Conclusion
Now that you know the different ways to help you get over a breakup, you can start to put them into practice. There may be some things you would prefer to try compared to others on the list, but try and pick out a few different things you could do to help you get through this difficult time.
