Family dynamics is a subset of group dynamics. The term group dynamics was coined by a socio-psychologist, Kurt Lewin, in 1945. Group dynamics is the interplay of the behaviours, attitudes, and aptitudes of members of a group and the effects of these on group members, as well as the actualisation of group goals.
Family is the smallest social unit. Family is a group of persons related by blood, marriage or adoption. According to Burgess and Locke in their 1945 work, The Family: From Institution to Companionship, “Family consists of a single household, interacting and intercommunicating with each other in their social roles of husband and wife, mother and father, son and daughter, brother and sister creating a common culture.” While that definition may hold true for Western countries, in our clime here in Nigeria and, by extension, Africa, family is much more than that. So, that definition by Burgess and Locke is defective. In Nigeria, a family is a group of people with a common ancestor. Thus, family consists of every living relation; grandfather, grandmother, father, mother, brother, sister, uncles, aunts, cousins, nephews and nieces. Kith and kin make up family in Nigeria.
I went that route to emphasise a point. Family type determines family dynamics. The dynamics of a nuclear family portrayed by Burgess and Locke will be different from those of the extended family system practised in Africa.
Family dynamics is the mode of interaction among family members. It also organizes a family unit, defines family members’ obligations and responsibilities, and determines the factors that influence their relationships. Family dynamics determines how these roles and relationships influence communication styles, aspirations, and expectations.
Since every interaction has consequences, family dynamics affects family members as individuals and the family as an entity. As Thomas, Liu and Umberson observed in their paper, Family Relationships and Well-Being, interpersonal interactions among family members have long-lasting effects on the overall development of an individual. So, the mores, values and virtues of a family play a critical role in the formation of the individual, the shaping of his character and the construction of his worldview.
Love
Love is a beautiful thing. Love makes living exciting. Love makes hustling enjoyable. Love breeds hope. Love births energy. Love inspires creativity. Some of the most beautiful songs ever were composed for love. Some of the greatest works of art were inspired by love. He who is rich in everything but is poor in love is of all beings the most pitiable.
Love is an emotion characterized by strong feelings of affection for another arising out of kinship, companionship, admiration, or benevolence. The purpose of love is to make its object better. Hence, love is never passive but rather passionate; it never rests until its purpose is accomplished.
Love is emotionally connecting with a person or a group of people. Love is bonding. It is caring about issues that matter to someone or some people. It is concerned about what concerns them. It is interested in their progress and well-being. It is helping them to become better individuals. It helps them lead a fulfilling life. It positively shapes their lives.
Love is the unifying force within a family. Family members must love one another even when they disagree on issues or pursue different interests. A family should serve as the most secure haven for any individual. One may not be appreciated or valued by others but the story is different with family. The Yoruba people put it perfectly by saying gbogbo omo l’akin l’oju iya e (The mother values every child). Family members have one another’s back. Family members go on a limb for one another. Family members bear one another’s burdens.
Love also connotes erotic desire between members of the opposite sex or even members of the same sex. Copulation should be the most valuable gift anyone can give another because it is akin to releasing your innermost treasure to another person. It is like surrendering your being to another. But sex has become commoditized; it is often given in return for favours. Nevertheless, its commoditization has not deprived sex of its usefulness. It still serves the purpose of romantic expression, conjugal consummation and procreation.
Expression of Love
Dr Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor, identifies the world languages of love in his 1992 book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. In the book, he identifies five different ways of expressing or receiving love: Affirmation, Service, Gifts, Time, and Touch.
1. Words of Affirmation: If you love someone, you build them up with your words; you do not pull them down. By complimenting them, you make your partner’s or child’s day. Words have power. In fact, words have life. Relationships are strengthened when partners make complementing each other a way of life.
When did you last tell your spouse, “I love you”? When did you last tell your daughter, “You are awesome”? When last did you tell your son, “You look great”? When last did you tell your friend, “I appreciate you”?
These words are simple and common, but their effect on the hearers is out of this world, especially when uttered with sincerity.
2. Acts of Service: Another way of expressing love is by supporting the object of love. If the purpose of love is to make the object of one’s love better, it goes without saying that the loved ones must be supported to achieve their goals.
How much support do you give to your partner’s aspiration?
How well do you support your child’s plan?
How much support do your siblings or friends receive from you?
3. Giving Gifts: Everyone loves getting gifts, but gifts speak a number of languages. What you give as a gift is a sign of how you rate the receiver. Therefore, put a little thought into what you give your loved ones so that you drive home the right message, even when the gift is a simple one.
4. Quality Time: Bonding is enhanced when time is shared. To show affection to your loved ones, create time for them. We all find time for what we consider important. So, if you value your loved ones, indeed, you will find time for them.
5. Physical Touches: Nothing is as frustrating as unexpressed love. So, show affection by holding hands, kissing, hugging and other touches. Appropriate touches convey warmth, safety and assurance. They also boost confidence. But when you fail to demonstrate affection by touching your loved ones, you create a gulf that will affect the relationship.
Characteristics of Love
1. Love gives – If you really love, you will not but give. You may give without loving but you cannot love without giving.
2. Love is forgiving — If you love, you are quick to forgive. The power of love weakens the pain of hurt.
3. Love is selfless – If you genuinely love, you are willing to subsume your interests for your partner’s interests.
As good and beautiful as love is, it has its downsides. Lives have been lost because of love, thrones have been destroyed because of love, and wars have been fought because of love, one of which is the famed Trojan War.
As the story goes, Helen, a Greek princess, was betrothed to Menelaus, the King of Sparta. However, she was having a secret affair with Paris, a Prince of Troy. Paris was not satisfied with the “coded affair” he had with Helen. So, he abducted Helen on the night of her wedding and escaped with her to Troy. When Menelaus learned what had happened, he called upon all the cities of Greece to join him to rescue his wife.
But Troy was one of the most heavily fortified cities of the time. So, the conflict evolved into a ten-year siege of the city, with many of the most revered warriors of the era- Ajax, Hector, and Achilles – involved in the battle. After years of fighting, an ingenious plan devised by Odysseus resolved the conflict. Odysseus and 50 of his men hid inside a hollow wooden horse of colossal size, and the Greeks offered the “statue” as a gift to the Trojans to call for a truce. Much debate ensued over whether to accept, but the Trojans later decided to take the “Greek Gift” and allowed the wooden horse inside the city. There was no consensus on where to keep the gift, so it was left open. In the dead of night, Odysseus and his men came out of the horse, opened the gates of Troy, and signaled to the Greek warships- which were hidden just out of visible distance from Troy- to return. Troy was destroyed, and nearly all its people were killed. Menelaus, eventually, was able to rescue Helen, his wife.
Imagine killing thousands and destroying a whole city because of love.
Loyalty
Loyalty is a feeling of allegiance to a person or a cause. It is having a feeling of obligation or sense of duty. According to Josiah Royce in his 1908 book, The Philosophy of Loyalty, “loyalty is the willing, practical and thoroughgoing devotion of a person to a cause” in that it is not merely a casual interest but a wholehearted commitment to a cause. He adds that loyalty is “the heart of all the virtues, the central duty amongst all the duties”.
Loyalty may be interpersonal, such as between a parent and a child, two spouses, or two good friends. It may also be from a person to a group of people, such as loyalty by a person to his or her family, to a team that he or she is a member of, or to his or her country.
Loyalty is betrayed when there is a mismatch in feelings or emotions.
Love should be fully reciprocated, but experience has proven that it is often not reciprocated at all or disproportionately reciprocated. This gap in reciprocation leaves room for disloyalty.
As Teddy Pendergrass states in his 1978 album When Somebody Loves You Back, the only time love is good is when it is reciprocated.
Pendergrass sings:
It’s so good lovin’ somebody
And that somebody loves you back
To be loved and be loved in return
It’s the only thing that my heart desires
Just appreciate the little things I do
Oh, you’re the one who’s got me inspired
Keep on liftin’, liftin’ me higher
So good, good lovin’ somebody
And that somebody loves you back.
In another stanza, he says,
It’s so good needin’ somebody
And that somebody needs you back
We can build a world of love, a life of joy
Make our goal each other’s happiness
I will do for you anything that I can
Oh, every day I want to do a little more
Do a little more, just a little bit more.
Then, he goes forward
It’s so good needin’ somebody
And that somebody needs you back
Said not seventy-thirty
Not sixty-forty
Talkin’ ’bout a fifty-fifty love
Though Pendergrass recommends 50/50 love, I believe love ought to be 100 per cent apiece. If you share 100, there is still room for 50 with each partner, which can be channeled to others. That can lead to disloyalty. So, it is best to have 100 per cent on both sides. That means there is no room for anyone else, and there will not be any chance for disloyalty.
Likes
A “like” is a feature built into social networks and other online platforms that allows users to express their approval or interest in specific content. By clicking the “like” button, users can provide positive feedback quickly and easily, connecting with topics or posts that appeal to them. The “like” button was popularised by Facebook, which successfully introduced it in 2009.
Likes are a quick way to measure engagement, popularity, and reach. Business owners and influencers use these metrics to assess audience interest, and they frequently depend on “like” counts to determine the effectiveness of their material. Because likes increase credibility and visibility, many companies are willing to pay for engagement to boost their online reputation. So, social networks and online platforms are not just social platforms but a source of income. People increasingly use them to make money. So, likes are not just an indication of approval or support. They are also money-making means.
Digital Age
The digital age, the information age, commenced in the mid-20th century, marking a rapid transition from traditional industries to an information technology-centred economy. It is a period that signifies the democratisation of access to information because it is characterised by the ability of individuals to exchange information freely. It is the age when information can no longer be hoarded. It is an era when each citizen can create content and shape conversations around all issues by sticking to the truth or twisting it. It is an era when individuals can profit from their content.
One of the signs of this era is the self-centred mentality, which is a growing individualisation process. In this situation, personal needs are elevated above communal needs. Consequently, society is losing its communality and becoming individualistic. This phenomenon means that social relations, as they existed before the digital age, have been rebuilt based on personal interests and values.
Managing Public Image
The thrust of public image management is to play up the good part of the subject while underplaying the not-so-good part. The job of an image maker is simple: project and protect the image of the personality or organisation you are working with. Every other thing the image maker does is built around these basic responsibilities.
Image management is important because an organisation’s reputation is one of its most valuable assets, and it directly influences its overall success. A strong public image fosters trust with customers, which increases customer loyalty and word-of-mouth referrals. It can also help attract and retain great talent.
Public Relations professionals carefully shape an organisation’s image, brand identity and messages to fit its core values and goals. Effective image management ensures that stakeholders see an organisation positively, which builds trust and trustworthiness.
Everyone who belongs to and identifies with a family is a family’s Public Relations Officer and has a responsibility to project and protect the family’s image.
Connecting the Dots
Technology is a life enabler. It makes work easy and opens up diverse opportunities for value creation. Technology has become the key driver of economic growth around the world. Technological progress allows for the efficient production of more goods and services, which promotes prosperity. This is even more so for digital technology. In the history of mankind, no other sector has contributed more to wealth creation than digital technology.
The world’s first billionaire, an oil magnate named John D. Rockefeller, started his business in 1859 and hit the billion-dollar mark in 1916, when he was already 77 years old. On the other hand, Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Meta, became the youngest billionaire in 2008 at the age of 23.
Digital technology also enables family life; family members can easily stay in touch even if they are thousands of miles apart. Telephone calls, text messages, Whatsapp voice calls, and video calls bridge distance and enhance family relationships.
Digital technology has reduced work-related stress. Since the COVID-19 era, remote working has become a fad. Some organisations allow staff members to work from home and only show up in the office when it becomes extremely important. In the same vein, many people live on one continent and work for organizations that are based on another continent. There are people who make good and legitimate money just by working with their handsets, palmtops, and laptops. All of these are made possible by digital technology.
However, as digital technology enhances work efficiency and family cohesion, so does it enhance unfaithfulness. This is called digital infidelity, which could be defined as digital technology-enabled disloyalty to one’s spouse or partner. This comes in form of sexting with someone other than your partner or engaging in other intimate relationships through the use of digital communication tools. On this day that we are celebrating love (February 14, 2025), only heaven knows the number of men and women who have leaned on digital technology to commit infidelity by professing love to people other than their spouses. Digital infidelity has ruined many homes and destroyed many relationships.
But there is also the aspect of digital betrayer which is done for money. This takes two forms of people either using digital content to fleece those they claim to love, including family members or releasing private video or audio content to get “digital likes” for monetisation purposes.
In 2023, a 10-second intimate video of Ms Tiwa Savage, a popular Nigerian musician, and her partner created a buzz on the internet. Ms Savage later admitted that her partner “accidentally” posted the video on his Snapchat account. Although she said the partner deleted the video immediately, it was too late because someone had already copied it.
The only face shown in the video is that of the singer. Therefore, it was not surprising that somebody later attempted to extort money from Ms Savage using the video. When she refused to play ball, the video was released.
Savage said in an interview, “I decided I would not pay the person because if I do, two months from now, three months down the line, or even two years later, you will come back again.”
A popular Ibadan-based female Muslim cleric had her share of digital betrayal when an intimate video of her and her husband surfaced on the internet. The cleric claimed that the video, which was released to generate “digital likes”, was the handiwork of her husband and her sister.
While digital infidelity is propelled by the lust of the flesh, digital disloyalty is fuelled by the love of filthy lucre.
Strengthening Family Values
Distinguished ladies and gentlemen, I consider that the way out of this generation’s digital infidelity and digital betrayal is for us to go back to the basics and strengthen family values.
Family values are the moral and ethical principles traditionally upheld and passed on within a family. These values promote the sound functioning of the family and strengthen the fabric of society. Such values include fidelity, honesty, truth, hard work, support for others, selflessness, love, and faith. I am sure most of us here today will agree that our values as a people have been eroded; hence, we are where we are now.
The family is the primary environment of human development, where a human person acquires the first experiences, behavioural patterns, basic knowledge about the world, and moral and social norms. It is the place where values and beliefs about marriage, family, and society are assimilated.
In their work, Family Values as Predictors of the Quality of Close Relationships, Walęcka-Matyja and Banach submitted that the process of transmitting values in the family is very important in creating meanings about the self, the world, and the individual’s relationship with the world. It plays a role in stabilizing and regulating social behaviours. It influences the development of an individual’s identity and functioning in interpersonal relationships by shaping their problem-solving ability.
Parents and older siblings are responsible for transmitting these values. However, pursuing wealth has led many parents to abandon this responsibility. In most cases, young people are not aware that the family where they are raised has any particular value. This is because the values are never taught or expressed.
The systemic theory states that a person’s system of values affects interpersonal relationships in various subsystems, from the family of origin (parents, children, siblings, etc.) through extra-familial relationships (at school, in a workplace) to the bond with the partner in a close, long-term relationship.
So, why would a person be unashamedly engaged in digital infidelity? It is because of weakened family value.
Why would an individual be willing to betray her sister’s trust for money? It is due to weakened family values.
When we promote healthy family values, family dynamics benefit families and society as a whole.
When we promote the right family values, there will be real bonding, and betrayals will become a thing of the past.
Conclusion
Betrayal is possible when love is not deep or sound enough. When love is 100 percent, there is no room for thoughts of betrayal.
It has also been established that every family member is a family’s Public Relations Officer.
When there is perfect love, the question everyone would ask themselves before taking a step that might be harmful to a member of the family are:
Do I love ‘digital likes’ more than my sister or brother?
Would I betray my family for a filthy lucre?
Would I want the chord of love in the family destroyed because of another man or woman?
Would I want my family’s name dragged in the mud because of lust?
As the family’s PR Officer, am I protecting the family’s image with my conduct or assaulting the image?
These questions would put anyone in check and would make them do that which is noble and right.
Thank you for your attention.
*Dr Olanrewaju delivered this paper at the Annual Public Lecture of the Nigerian Institute of Public Relations, Oyo State chapter.
