The question was flung at me by a man soaked in bile and dripping with bitterness: “Does Remi Tinubu deserve a birthday wish?” At first, I thought he was joking. But no — he was dead serious. Envy is like that. It cannot bear to see joy dance; it cannot abide the sight of light. So let us, for once, treat this absurdity as if it were a serious charge. Let us stage it in the grand court of public opinion, with Envy docked as the accused.
Court Clerk: All rise. The High Court of Public Opinion is now in session. The matter before this court: Does Remi Tinubu deserve a birthday wish?
Judge: Counsel, proceed.
Me (Cross-Examiner): Thank you, My Lord. I call my first witness — History. Tell the court: is it not true that Oluremi Tinubu once lived a comfortable life, married to a thriving oil executive, content with the peace of private prosperity?
History: It is true. Until her husband eloped with politics and human rights activism, he left home to join NADECO, to confront dictatorship, and to be hounded into exile.
Me: And she?
History: She endured the loneliness of exile nights, the venom of propaganda, and the instability of vile rumours. She even escaped being lynched in Oyo State, simply because she bore the name of her husband.
Me: And yet she stood?
History: Yes. She steadied herself. She joined the struggle. Later, she braved the lions of the Senate, harassed by opposition but never broken.
Me: Àìfarabale kìí dá ilé ayé rú — a restless spirit cannot shake the earth. Thank you.
Now I call my second witness — Service. Madam Service, speak.
Service: My Lord, in 2023, she launched the Renewed Hope Initiative, derided by cynics as a decoration. Instead, it blossomed into a cathedral of compassion, founded on five pillars: agriculture, education, health, economic empowerment, and social investment.
- Exhibit A: The Food Outreach Programme — bags of rice, beans, and oil delivered, month after month, state by state, to widows and the forgotten poor.
- Exhibit B: ₦500,000 empowerment grants for women farmers across the South-West and beyond.
Exhibit C: partnership with UNICEF to register nameless children, issuing identity certificates so no Nigerian child remains invisible. - Exhibit D: bursaries for 5,100 female students, 50,000 exercise books per state, and 40 alternative high schools for girls pushed out by early pregnancy.
- Exhibit E: menstrual pads for rural girls, so biology no longer meant absenteeism.
- Exhibit F: 60,000 professional kits for midwives and nurses, restoring dignity to carers.
- Exhibit G: the “Free to Shine” campaign against mother-to-child HIV and hepatitis.
- Exhibit H: ₦100 million for the Five Cowries Art Initiative, reminding the nation that art too nourishes the soul.
- Exhibit I: ₦1 billion, mobilised from private sources, for victims of violence in Plateau State.
Me: And in less than two years, how many lives were touched?
Service: Over 40 million households.
Me: (turning to Envy) You heard that. And you still argue she does not deserve a birthday wish? Ṣé ẹ̀fọ́ tó bá gbóná kìí jó ẹnu ọmọlúwàbí? — Does hot vegetable soup scald the mouth of a well-bred child?
She has turned the role of First Lady from a stage of gowns and banquets into a workshop of compassion. Yiniyini kemi semin — when the river swells, the canoe must rejoice.
Judge: Counsel for Envy, do you have any submission?
Envy (muttering): She has done much, but—
Judge: Silence! A kìí fi inú burúkú ṣeré — one does not play with a bitter heart.
Me: My Lord, the evidence is clear. This is a woman who endured the furnace of NADECO. The sting of exile and the insults of opposition, and yet rose to feed the hungry, clothe the carer, empower the trader, and dignify the elder. She deserves not just birthday wishes but also the ululation of mothers, the thunder of drums, and the gratitude of a nation.
Judge: The verdict is given: Oluremi Tinubu is entitled to a celebration. Case dismissed. Wishes granted.
And so, let the envious stew in their gloom. But let the rest of us say it boldly: Happy Birthday, Remi Tinubu. History will not remember you for gowns and banquets but for scars turned into service, storms turned into strength, and love turned into a legacy.
Oríkì Closing:
Àbíyámọ tó gbé’bá omi kúrò l’ẹnu odò,
Ìyá tó gbé ìrìn àjò di àpéjọ ayọ̀,
Ọmọlúwàbí obìnrin, ìyá àtàtà,
Ẹni tí gbogbo ayé fẹ́ kọ́rìn sí,
Àfi ọta tó ní “kí ni kí a ṣe?”
Ṣùgbọ́n odu ota eni kì p’oya —
The spite of enemies cannot peel the skin.
Oluremi Tinubu, may your lamp of compassion never dim. May your days be long. And may each birthday mock the faces of envy.
